Principles before personalities

I'm not really in the mood to write an entry, but if I don't do it now another week will go by and I'll feel like a big loser for having abandoned my blog. Instead of writing last Sunday I went to the NA speaker meeting at the Harbor and stood at the podium for forty minutes, telling my story. Speaker meetings are common as blackberries in NA, and I've spoken many times, more than I can count without racking my memory, but I've never grown used to telling my story. I don't like speaking in public under any circumstances, in which I realize I'm not alone -- public speaking is the number one phobia -- but this sort of speaking is even more terrifying than most because it requires the speaker to talk at length about the intimate history of her addiction. Anyone who has never tried it probably thinks that you can edit as you speak and choose which facts to divulge and which to keep to yourself, but that's not quite how it is. Yes, there are things I've determined never to share from the podium, and as long as I make up my mind about them ahead of time, I'm pretty safe from blurting them out, but otherwise anything goes. I never know what's going to come out of my mouth. Anyway, I didn't commit any fearful indiscretions at this particular meeting, as far as I can remember, but as usual I was afraid I was boring the audience to death. The room was packed, and it's disconcerting to look out across that sea of faces and know that every single one of them is looking at me. Mercifully, the ordeal doesn't last that long, and soon enough I was able to make my escape.

Earlier that day there had been a slight explosion at the Area Service Conference, which left a bad taste in my mouth for the rest of the day. I made a brief announcement that the members of the step and tradition study had decided to allow that meeting to fold. We felt that a quick and painless end was preferable to a long, drawn-out deathbed scene, and the meeting was doomed anyway. Attendance had dwindled to the point where often there were only three of us there, week after week. This announcement had the effect of stirring up a shitstorm. As soon as I said my piece, one person said, "I don't think a meeting should be allowed to end like that, without letting the Area know ahead of time." My response to that was to quote tradition four at him: each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or NA as a whole. Then several more people chimed in, saying, essentially, that step studies are so important that more effort should be made to save this one.

At that point I lost my temper. "Whose effort? Mine? Because I'm finished making an effort on behalf of this meeting. I've opened the door and set up the room every week for six months, watching every other person who made a one-year commitment to that meeting drift away, until the only people who were left were Allen, Christopher and me. If you all are so concerned about keeping this meeting going, where the fuck were you when the three of us were sitting there staring at each other for an hour every Wednesday? We discussed it more than once at our business meetings; had you bothered to show up, you would have been given a voice in the decision-making process. Now, if anyone really wants to keep this meeting going, I've still got the binder with the format and readings in it, and I'll give you the key to the room. You can take over. If you're not willing, then I suggest you shut your mouth."

I thought that would be the end of it, but there were still a couple of diehard Mrs Grundys who were determined to blame someone for what they perceived to be mismanagement. Finally my friend Paul spoke up. Paul has been clean for 21 years and is every inch an elder in NA in Santa Barbara. He has only to open his mouth and people stop what they're doing to listen. Which is as it should be. He never says anything that isn't worth hearing. He reminded everybody, once again, that each group is autonomous, and then he added, "I think you all owe Hep Cat a vote of thanks for all her hard work and her commitment to keeping that meeting going as long as she did. The fact is that some meetings don't last, and Santa Barbara has had a hard time keeping a step and tradition study going. So instead of sitting here blaming her for doing what would have had to be done at some point anyway, maybe you should try being grateful that at least we had a step and tradition study in this town for six months." My hero. That at least shut everybody up and the meeting was able to move on to other topics.

That episode, though, sent me over the edge as far as the ASC is concerned. I've had Area level commitments for years, and have been at nearly every ASC since early 2005, with a break of a few months when I moved away briefly. I think I have burned myself out on the ASC, at long last. I need a break. I'm still willing to sit on the ad hoc committee I'm on, but I need to take at least a couple of months off from ASC attendance. I'm sure I'll miss it and come back refreshed, but if I keep going I may end up souring myself on Area service for good.

Do I have anything to report about my Interferon treatment? Well, I'm getting closer to the day when I'll have to shave my head, but as of today I still have a few hairs. I've noticed that my hair isn't growing. I have an easy way of seeing how fast my hair grows because I have it bleached every six weeks, so I can see the growth as the roots come in darker. Hair grows at the rate of about half an inch a month (mine actually grows a bit faster than that, normally), but after five weeks of growth, my roots are not even a quarter of an inch long. My hair is much lighter than it used to be, too. The roots are barely visible unless I look at my head from a certain angle in a certain light. I'm hanging onto what I've got for the time being, although it takes more and more effort to hide the patchiness, and probably I'll just be relieved after I take the clippers to it. Out shopping I've seen some cute hats, and I even saw some pretty headbands which would do to make the bald effect less stark without my having to swelter under a hat. Probably that won't be much of an issue, though, since winter is approaching, but I do live in Southern California. You never know.

Apart from that, things are pretty good. I talked to a friend last night about some recent spasms of ungovernable temper I've had, including my having snarled at everyone at the ASC, and he told me that his friend had the same problem. He said his friend is normally the nicest guy in the world, laid back and tolerant, but since he's been on the Interferon he's been snappish and nasty. So perhaps that explains it. I've got two other reasons as well -- quitting smoking and perimenopause -- which makes me think that maybe it's a combination of all three. It's only come up in the last month or so, and I'm hoping it will fade away, at least somewhat, before too long. I don't like having to apologize to people all the time.

And that's enough for today.