What?

I've discovered that my mood is very much dependent on my ability to breathe. When I can breathe just fine, I feel great and life seems like a good thing, but the moment the breathlessness hits I turn into Sad Sack and all I want is to go to bed and pull the covers over my head. Not being able to breathe makes everything harder, and things were hard enough before, thank you very much.

My lab results this week were dismal. I still have no viral load, but my white and my red blood cell counts are down. I'm not quite anemic yet, but I was only half a point away from it on Monday, which may explain the recent breathlessness during dry sunny weather. Judy was concerned enough that she's having me go back in for another blood draw on Monday. If the counts continue to drop we may have to lower my dosage, which would not be a good thing, considering how stubborn my particular virus is. I had a fever last night, which made me wonder if I had a sinus infection. I've got pain behind my eyes and in my forehead, and I feel pressure in my sinuses, although they don't seem to want to drain. The fever began in the afternoon at work: I noticed that I was shivering even though the temperature in the office was at least 75 degrees. I thought it might be from anemia, but by the time I got home I was feeling feverish and chilled. My temperature was 100, which isn't cause for concern. I decided that if I was much worse today I would call Judy and see if I should go to the Urgent Care. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't think twice about it, but with a low white count I think it might be wise to err on the side of caution.

I so rarely get sick that I'm a big baby when it happens. I want my mommy. Last night I lay in bed and tried to remember the last time I had a fever. I couldn't recall. About a year and a half ago I had a head cold, and about two years before that I had a head cold. Beyond that I can't remember. So I decided that maybe it was just my turn. I spent the entire night shivering and sweating and tossing and turning, so that when I woke up this morning I found a bird's nest of hair on the back of my head. But also, when I woke up this morning the fever was gone, so perhaps it was just a phantom fever which made an appearance for one night.

One last topic and then I'm finished. I feel vindicated in my assessment of the cause of my increasing deafness. It's the TMJ disorder. I was diagnosed with it after I was treated for the Graves' Disease, the hyperthyroidism being what caused the TMJ disorder in the first place. Hyperthyroidism made me clench my jaw and grind my teeth for years before I knew what was wrong with me, but now the hyperthyroidism is gone but I'm stuck with the TMJ disorder. I don't have jaw pain, thank God, but I have a lot of swelling and tension in the muscles of my face, my head, my neck and particularly my jaw. Possibly that's why I have the hamster effect so noticeably. Anyway, I kept telling my doctors that I was sure my eustachian tubes were being blocked by swelling in my neck and jaw. I could feel the swelling and the pressure, and it would explain the fluctuations in my hearing, not to mention all of the crackling and popping going on in there. They all just patted me on the head and said, "Whatever you say, dear," without really listening.

The last few weeks my deafness has increased to the point where people are getting sick of hearing me say "what?" all the time. Last Sunday I tried to watch a movie, but I had to turn it off because I couldn't hear it, even with the volume all the way up. I turned off the TV and bawled for about an hour, grieving the loss of my once-perfect hearing. I'd noticed, though, that some days I could hear pretty well and other days I could hardly hear anything, which made me wonder just how much actual, irreversible hearing loss I have. I googled "TMJ hearing loss tinnitus" and found message board after message board written by people who have all of the same symptoms I have, all of whom have TMJ disorder. Many of them said the same things I've been saying about the swelling blocking their tubes. They talked about their tubes feeling "clogged," which is exactly what it feels like to me. Reading those posts made me feel less crazy, and I got some useful tips. They all said not to bother seeing an Ear Nose and Throat doctor because they're worthless for anything having to do with TMJ. I have to see a TMJ specialist. Normally those are dentists, but I'm hoping my medical insurance will cover it since it's an effect of the Graves' Disease. Anyway, I'm hoping I can find a way to reduce the tinnitus and increase my hearing without having to resort to hearing aids.

I have two doctor's appointments on Monday, one with Dr W, the endocrinologist, and one with Dr H. I'm hoping I can get Dr W to listen to me about the TMJ disease and either refer me to a TMJ specialist or ask Dr G to write a referral. We shall see.

Here's to better days, better breathing, better hearing.